A couple of weeks ago, I started my Surrogacy Stories series, and shared another surrogates journey. Today, Lisa has so kindly allowed me to share her story as an Intended Mother on my blog. There are many ways in which individuals are not able to carry their own child and I hope that this series will help to provide more knowledge to people.
"The statistics show that 1:4 women experience a miscarriage at some
point in their life and 1:100 will experience recurrent miscarriages. It
says women but I think it’s important to highlight that men are also
impacted by this, for every woman suffering, in many cases there will be
a man struggling as well. So it impacts everyone, your friends, family
and colleagues whether we realise it or not someone in your world will
have dealt with the devastating impact of losing a baby through
miscarriage.
There will be no two experiences the same, everyone
will deal with their journey differently and only since my beautiful 19
month old daughter was born do I feel comfortable to talk about my
experience. In the 5 years before Lara was born we experienced multiple
miscarriages, ectopic pregnancy, several rounds of IVF, a couple of
misdiagnosis, numerous invasive tests, operations, blood tests and more
needles and drugs than I care to mention. The physical, emotional,
mental and financial strain of fertility is immense and has significant
impact on your life.
Many people would like to share their journey with others but feel
unable to as the stigma that surrounds miscarriage, loss of a baby,
infertility feels very real. You battle with yourself daily, it becomes
all consuming and dominates your thoughts and feelings. The emotions I
have dealt with include shame, anger, embarrassment, loss, jealousy,
desperation, love and hope. It is a roller-coaster of emotions, highs
and lows. On more than one occasion I considered living a child free
life, I had a career I loved, a loving relationship, good friends and
family but every time I considered it my heart dropped and my future
looked dark.
During this time we tried everything from holistic
therapy (acupuncture, reflexology, detox retreats to even going to a
psychic!) to visiting top London fertility clinics, and finally in 2015 I
was diagnosed with several blood conditions that meant my body views my
babies as intruders and rather than nurturing them, attacks resulting
in a miscarriage. After being told numerous times by Fertility
Consultants that our embryos are ‘perfect’ I was determined not to give
up and after my last loss in March 2016 I decided to research
Gestational Surrogacy (where a woman often called a host, carries our
embryo for us). And this is where our story takes a positive turn; we
met Rachel and her family in April 2016 in a Facebook Surrogacy group
and have become firm friends ever since.
The next part of my
story is the reason I’m able to talk about my experience now. Our
beautiful baby girl was born on 14th November 2017. The day Lara was
born, so was I. It felt like a fog lifted, I had found my purpose, my
missing piece, it was like that dark future disappeared and everything
became clear.
Our surrogacy journey was incredible and I look back on it with
gratitude and love. Rachel has become like the sister I never had,
intelligent, funny and Mum of a beautiful boy and girl. Her husband
James is an absolutely rock and a massive part of our journey. As soon
as I joined the Surrogacy Facebook groups I felt like I was amongst
people like me, that it was the right path for us. The Surrogacy
community has introduced me to people I’d have never met, from all over
the world, people that are prepared to help those in need in a way that
I’ve never imagined and for that I’m grateful.
Although our surrogacy journey was straight forward compared to other
journeys, it was still an emotional rollercoaster. We were successful
with Lara on our second IVF attempt so we still had to deal with the
heartache of a failed transfer which we found out about the day before
my birthday. We also had a few challenges with the Clinic which after
years of dealing with ‘fertility experts’ didn’t surprise me, admin
delays, unexpected costs and insisting we saw a lawyer before they would
continue with treatment (unnecessary with UK surrogacy and a complete
waste of time and money as we’d completed extensive research before
embarking on our surrogacy journey). That all seems irrelevant now
though as I watch my daughter sleep through our baby monitor. It was
worth every tear, every moment of heartbreak, every penny and I’d do it
all over again as I know it made me a stronger person, a better parent
and that we were meant to be Lara’s parents.
We were hoping to
complete a sibling journey with Rachel but that was not to be as Rachel
was unable to complete a second surrogacy journey due to personal
reasons. Although I had never left the surrogacy groups as I was keen to
remain active and support others, taking the plunge to re-introduce
ourselves was a daunting prospect. We were so grateful to have Lara and
were concerned it would appear that we were being greedy to want a
sibling for Lara, another beautiful soul to complete our family. But
every time I thought about not trying, stepping away, imaging how I
would feel on my death bed if I hadn’t at least tried, I knew I would
regret not putting myself out there again.
This is where Roni and her family join our journey. I knew after the
first time we met we’d be friends regardless of surrogacy. Roni is a
strong, determined woman, a Mum of two beautiful girls and a nurse in a
Prison. The conversation flowed with ease right from the start and it’s
the same every time we catch up. I want to mention Steve her husband as
well, one of the nicest guys I’ve met, a great laugh and totally
supportive of what we’re hoping to achieve. After 4 months of chatting
non-stop and meeting up a number of times Roni asked if we’d like to
match in such a thoughtful way.
We couldn’t be more excited to be completing our family with Roni and
Steve. We’re currently having the recommended counselling through our
clinic and later in the year we hope to transfer one of our six
remaining embryos! We were all keen to take our time, not to rush
anything. It’s given us the chance to build a strong relationship and
I’ve loved being able to make the most of the time I have with just Lara
before we go from a family of three to a family of four!
Looking back on my journey, infertility has taken me emotionally,
physically and mentally to some dark places, the surrogacy community and
the Surrogates that are prepared to help people like us brought hope
when we thought there was none. They don’t only change lives but help
create them, helping people start and complete their families. They’re
some of the strongest people I’ve ever met and I’m blessed to have found
the community and made some amazing friends, both Surrogates and other
Intended Parents (IPs).
I’m always here to answer questions or
offer support so please feel free to get in touch if you’re in the
middle of that fog or just would like to know more. Wishing anyone who
is in that dark place the strength and determination to continue their
journey, whether you reach your dream through your own pregnancy,
adoption or surrogacy - hold on, it’s definitely worth it!"
If you are a surrogate or an IP who wishes to share their journey, just drop me a message at thentherewere3@outlook.com
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